2014: WHO AND WHAT NOT TO DO IN THE NEW YEAR

Written mostly by contributing writer Jennifer Melo
With some help from| Jamie Cabral

It’s typical of people during this time of the year to reflect upon what they’ve been doing, what they want to be doing, what they think they’ll be doing differently in the coming year, and what they probably won’t get done (but that’s a whole other story). Typically people run the gambit of the clique new year’s resolutions.. you know what they are, we all have them. I want to get in better shape. I want to eat healthier. I want to spend more time with family. I want to take a vacation. I’m going to call my mom more. I’m going to get that promotion. I’m going to go back to college, etc, etc, but more often than not, most of us never actually follow through with any of these grandiose plans we dream up during fleeting moments of inspiration.

The reason we never seem to accomplish any of these goals -as well intentioned as they are- is because, as a society that is primarily composed with scatter-brained, pop culture-du jour fanatics, we simply haven’t mastered the art of focusing enough of our energy on one particular goal to actually achieve it. Perhaps for some (most) people, reaching for the stars is not a realistic approach to living the dream in the new year. Perhaps the what to do’s should be changed to the what not to do’s. That’s more our language. Here are a few stepping stones we would like to call “WHO AND WHAT NOT TO DO IN THE NEW YEAR.”

1. TWERK. We need to stop giving Miley Cyrus so much credit for inventing twerking. People have been twerking for years. Salt’n Peppa was twerking before Miley Cyrus was even born. Women in West African tribes have been shaking their buttocks in a rhythmic and seductive dance far better than Miley Cyrus ever could.

2. You want to dress better. Stop wearing Uggs– as in U-G-L-Y.. I’m not sure what I hate more..Uggs or those crinkly, one-size fits all, shirts that you can buy for a dollar at the flea market. Despite the significant difference in cost, both are equally flattering.

3. Stop reading shitty books. Read literature. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is anything but. What is all the damn craze about? It’s the “Magic Mike” of books and should be reserved only for women who prefer the idea of having sex, as opposed to actually having it. If that’s you, put down the book, and go to a bar. You need it. It’ll be good for you.

4. Stop taking television shows so personally. You are not one of the characters from Breaking Bad. Who died on the season finale should not dramatically sway your mood or cause you to spend all morning discussing it with your coworkers. While you are at it, do not shave your head to look like the character Walt White from the show. You know who you are.

5. Hipsters, don’t segregate yourselves. It’s okay to be the only hipster in the room. Unhook your suspenders from the stool at the hipster bar and branch out. Broaden your horizons. You don’t have to sip your coffee while wondering if you’re more hipster than the hipster who just walked in.

6. Don’t deny that you love to be “liked.” Nowadays, it has become a validation that you are special. That moment when someone you admire on Instagram with 10,000 followers, who only follows 100 people suddenly starts following you, ahhhhh… sweet validation! I am special! That you are.

7. If English is your first language, stop treating it like it’s your second. At a young age we learned to read, write, and speak ENGLISH. So why are we not speaking it properly? We have become so lazy, that it’s even effecting our speech. Gorgeous has become “gorg,” adorable has become “adorbs.” Have you ever witnessed someone saying “LOL” instead of actually laughing? It’s a sad moment. Fully express yourself. We are abbreviating our entire existence.

8. Don’t expect others to like your kids just because you do. They are often cute and cuddly and can even be quite funny at times, but not all are. Sorry it’s just the truth. In fact, many children are kind of annoying or are just plain brats. You may have become immune to your little Johnny’s habit of making strange “pffft” sounds with his mouth while picking his nose and tapping his toy against the door. At this point, it’s nothing more than white noise or elevator music to you. For others though, especially people without children, it’s excruciating. Nails on chalk board. A new year breeds a new generation. If the children are our future, let us teach them a thing or two about being mindful and respectful, which more than often, begins with you.

|Jenn Melo| is a thirty-something closet comedian who knows a thing or two about a thing or two. She enjoys a good cup of tea, yoga, writing, is a health food snack hoarder and enjoys red wine with some good ‘ole fashion shit talking.

To contact our contributing writer send an email to: lilms.melo@gmail.com

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